The Power & Presence of Forgiveness: Letting Go

Such a big topic, isn't it? Forgiveness.

I've written about it in various contexts before, and it came up again recently. A subscriber wrote about "a family situation where there has been a lot of hurt," tracing back to growing up without learning how to share feelings or manage conflict well. He asked me for advice on how to practice forgiveness and offer an apology when they might not be reciprocated.

"I know that I've hurt them, too," he said. "But I'm not sure how to forgive when I haven't received an apology. And I don't want to appear to be the one giving in, though I know that's not the most sacred approach."

I was touched by the writer's honesty and grabbed once again by the questions surrounding forgiveness. When I think of forgiving my own difficult people, I have similar questions:

• What's standing in the way?
• Who would I have to be to forgive them?
• What do I need from them to forgive them, and am I likely to get it?
• If I don't get what I need, can I forgive them anyway?
• Where does the power to forgive come from?
• Is this power dependent on external circumstances? If yes, what are they?

It's an inner conflict, isn't it? Like most conflicts, the answers start with a conversation with myself.

My own experience tells me that unless we forgive, we carry a weight around with us that gets heavier with time. If you do an online search for "unforgiveness" you'll find a lot of hits that also include the words anxiety, poison, toxicity, and burden. According to author Anne Lamott: "Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die." Others disagree and say that forgiveness is not a choice but dependent on certain conditions.

Personally, I think that waiting and hoping for someone else to say they're sorry first, and to mean it, is disempowering, as if my happiness depends on an outcome I have no control over. For me it's a choice, and most of the time I can make it.

And maybe I can forgive without saying I'm sorry. Maybe forgiveness is an inside job. When I change my mindset, I lighten up, and who knows what I might be able to say and do, once I've had the conversation with myself.

My dear friend and hugely talented singer/songwriter, Ellen Stapenhorst, says it in her song, One Moment More, also the subject of a former post.

And sometimes I have to forgive myself: for doing something I'd like to take back; for creating unintentional harm; and--perhaps--for not being able to completely forgive someone else, just yet, though I'm working on it. I have to tame the inner critic and let go of the conflict, the subject of this Ki Moments post from 2009.

It all comes back to one of my favorite quotes from the founder of Aikido, Morihei Ueshiba:

Opponents confront us continually, but actually there is no opponent there.

And one of my own:

You have more power than you think. When you change, everything changes.

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I Am a Habit!

H-A-B-I-T...When 95% of people hear this word, a negative thought pops up in their minds. Typically, most people think of a habit being negative. The secret to your future lies in your daily habits so ask yourself right now, "Are my habits today going to help me achieve my WHY in life?" This is a life-empowering question if you truly ask it and listen for the answer.

I received the following excerpt from a very dear friend of mine and felt that it is definitely the best explanation of a habit that I have ever heard:

I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest helper or your heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command.
Half the things you do, you might just as well turn over to me,
and I will be able to do them quickly and correctly.
I am easily managed; you must merely be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done, and after a few
lessons I will do it automatically.
I am the servant of all great men.
And, alas, of all failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.
I am not a machine, though I work with all the precision of a machine.
Plus, the intelligence of a man.
You may run me for profit, or run me for ruin; it makes no difference to me.
Take me, train me, be firm with me and I will put the world at your feet.
Be easy with me, and I will destroy you.
Who am I?
I am a HABIT!

One of my daily habits that is the foundation of my life is spending 1-2 hours each and every morning feeding my body physically by exercising and feeding my mental spirit by reading or listening to a motivational message. This habit warms me up for the day ahead.

Everyone washes their physical body and feeds their body every morning, but 95% of people will find an excuse about why they can not find the "TIME" to invest in a habit of feeding their MINDS! This parallels the statistic that 95% of people are dead or dead broke by the age 65. I consider this particular daily habit of mine to be the driving force behind my ability to consistently maintain my intense focus on the journey of success and living a dream life.

Is it easy all the time? Of course not, but when it becomes a habit -you will do it! If you commit today to begin each morning warming yourself up for the day ahead by feeding your mental spirit, your entire life will change in a positive fashion very quickly. It is like driving a race car with the emergency brake on and you try to go ahead, but you can't move. You stay in the same location with your wheels spinning, burning up, making a lot of noise, but not going anywhere! All it takes is to release the brake and you will fly towards toward your WHY in life!! You need to review what your habits are and ask yourself..."Would I recommend MY habits to someone I truly love and care about?" Your entire future lies in your daily habits-positive or negative. You have the most powerful force right now in your hands, the ability to decide what your habits will begin to be.

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