How To Move On, Let Go & Leave Your Past in The Past (Powerful Speech)

Do Other People Make Us Feel Stressed?

Earlier on, whilst I was out in a populated area, I overheard someone say to another person that they "stressed them out". I had no idea why they said this to them, but there must have been a reason for it.

It would be easy to conclude that the other person was behaving in a way that was causing them to suffer. Based on this, the other person would need to change in order for them to feel more at peace

Powerless

So, unless the other person changes their behaviour in some way, their life is not going to change. There is then a strong chance that their life will end up getting even worse, causing them to experience even more stress.

It could be said that they will be a victim and the other person will be a perpetrator - one of them won't have any control, while the other one will. So, this is going to be something that is black and white.

The Norm

I don't know anything about this person, of course, but it is unlikely that there isn't anything that they can do to change what is going on. However, even though this is the case, it is not as if it is uncommon for someone to have this outlook in today's world.

This can be seen as what happens when someone has an external locust of control, which would cause them to believe that they have no control over their life. If, on the other hand, someone has an internal locust of control, they would believe that they have control over their life.

A Choice

Someone like this would look into why they feel stressed, allowing them to do something about it. They might see that what is taking place in their mind is causing them to feel stressed.

Therefore, by changing how they think about what is taking place, it will give them the chance to feel more at peace. Along with this, they may see that their behaviour is playing a par, too.

A Different Identity

When someone responds in this way when they feel stressed, they are unlikely to see themselves a victim. They will be able to see that they can act like a victim, but that this is just a role.

The view that they have of themselves will be what allows them to take responsibility for their life, as opposed to blaming other people for what they experience. Being this way is going to be far better for their health and overall fulfilment.

Final Thoughts

The main point here is that if someone feels stressed, it will be vital for them to look into what they can do to settle themselves down. Staying as they are and blaming someone or something else is not going to solve anything.

What they need to do will depend on what is going on for them - it might be case of changing their thinking or no longer spending time with someone. Meditating on a regular basis may also help.

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Don't Allow Your Life To Be Controlled By These 5 Things

Here's How Your Life Changes In 1-2-3

Get Real.

Here's how your life changes in 1,2,3.

Pull the veil back. This takes 3 minutes. And if you let it? This will change your life today.

1. Get real. First off this is the most important bit because I'm asking you to get real with what's not working in your life. Take a breath - is it your sex life? Men? Money? Job? House? Where you live? How you live? Kids? Not having kids? Illness? Death? Trouble? Yes this is the get real bit. What's been happening for you these past few days? What got you down? What's getting you down now? Say it out loud to me and then write it down, just jot it down now on a bit of paper. See? This is you getting real - Goddess it suits you!

When you're honest with yourself you can only make good decisions

You deserve to - so take a breath and ask yourself:

2. How long have I been putting up with this? Dealing with this? Trying to make it work? Has my approach worked? Again - time for you to get real. It's OK, this is where you get real honest with yourself and it's OK if your answer is no. Truly.

Acknowledging the truth to yourself lightens the load.

Excuses and fakeness weigh real heavy when you believe in them

So you've heard yourself say what's really bothering you and whether or not your approach has been helping, so...

3. What action can you take that will alter your life? Remember baby steps make the big steps! Allow yourself to hear it - what action naturally springs to mind when you're honest about your situation? And here's the thing - there's usually something in the way or you would be doing this action already - right? So if you're not doing this action this minute - what thought is in your way?

Here are some of the gems I've picked up along the way from coaching clients and from the inside of my head - and they seem very real at the time:

It's OK, it will work out, it's all good! It will get better. I'll do it soon. It's up to them, not me. It's out of my hands. Who am I to do this? They won't believe me. They don't listen to me so what's the point? I can't handle that right now, it scares me. It's not the right time. I'm not good enough. I'll lose everything. That it's unchangeable.

What thought do you need to DROP this minute? Tell me out loud as you jot it down. Because this thought - is what keeps you going round in circles and not up and outta here!

So to take the action you need to and to feel better right now - what story can you begin telling yourself right now?

That you always win? That you're the STAR of your own story and the heroine (that's you) had to get real to realise she was short changing herself? In accepting a life that didn't fit her anymore? Because she was worth more than that and so today she's going to tell herself that she can have this situation exactly as she wants it and so she's going to take action right now on it which makes her feel like a million dollars... and so... and so... how does the story end?

I'm all ears! (Tell me in the comments below.)

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How To Live A Good Life After Breakups

The purpose of How To Live A Good Life After Breakups is to convince you that breakups are not only an ending, they are also a new beginning. Instead of feeling like an epic failure the best thing you can do for yourself is to ask yourself three simple questions:

1. What went wrong?

2. What did I learn?

3. What will I do differently next time?

What went wrong?

Most of the time, if you are honest with yourself, things happened along the way to give you a clue that your relationship was starting to crumble. Maybe he started calling you less often. Maybe she started telling you she couldn't get together because she had to wash her hair. This is the way that members of the opposite sex let you know that they are ready to move on. Ignore these signs at your peril!

Look back and see when things started to change. Did you have some conflicts that were not resolved? Did you make requests that met with resistance from your partner? When did you feel the connection start to fade?

What did I learn?

Make sure that the pain of the breakup counts for something. Use it to learn. People are great mirrors. They teach us a lot about ourselves if we let them. They show us what we really value. If someone cheats on you, and you are upset and hurt by this, you learn how much you value loyalty and fidelity. If someone lies to you, or deceives you, you learn how much you value honesty. Use what happened to know yourself better and make wiser choices in the future.

What will I do differently next time?

After you have spent some time figuring out all that you learned from this experience use that learning to do things differently in the future. Now that you have identified some things that you really value in a partner how can you figure out earlier in the next relationship whether this new person shares these values or not? How can you find out more about all the things the new person values, so that you can know who they really are sooner, and not spend a lot of time with someone whose values conflict with your values?

Living a good life after a breakup is about using your life experience to grow. Instead of shutting down, being depressed, withdrawing from life, or making choices that will only make your life more miserable, use the breakup to learn more about yourself and make better choices next time.

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The Power & Presence of Forgiveness: Letting Go

Such a big topic, isn't it? Forgiveness.

I've written about it in various contexts before, and it came up again recently. A subscriber wrote about "a family situation where there has been a lot of hurt," tracing back to growing up without learning how to share feelings or manage conflict well. He asked me for advice on how to practice forgiveness and offer an apology when they might not be reciprocated.

"I know that I've hurt them, too," he said. "But I'm not sure how to forgive when I haven't received an apology. And I don't want to appear to be the one giving in, though I know that's not the most sacred approach."

I was touched by the writer's honesty and grabbed once again by the questions surrounding forgiveness. When I think of forgiving my own difficult people, I have similar questions:

• What's standing in the way?
• Who would I have to be to forgive them?
• What do I need from them to forgive them, and am I likely to get it?
• If I don't get what I need, can I forgive them anyway?
• Where does the power to forgive come from?
• Is this power dependent on external circumstances? If yes, what are they?

It's an inner conflict, isn't it? Like most conflicts, the answers start with a conversation with myself.

My own experience tells me that unless we forgive, we carry a weight around with us that gets heavier with time. If you do an online search for "unforgiveness" you'll find a lot of hits that also include the words anxiety, poison, toxicity, and burden. According to author Anne Lamott: "Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die." Others disagree and say that forgiveness is not a choice but dependent on certain conditions.

Personally, I think that waiting and hoping for someone else to say they're sorry first, and to mean it, is disempowering, as if my happiness depends on an outcome I have no control over. For me it's a choice, and most of the time I can make it.

And maybe I can forgive without saying I'm sorry. Maybe forgiveness is an inside job. When I change my mindset, I lighten up, and who knows what I might be able to say and do, once I've had the conversation with myself.

My dear friend and hugely talented singer/songwriter, Ellen Stapenhorst, says it in her song, One Moment More, also the subject of a former post.

And sometimes I have to forgive myself: for doing something I'd like to take back; for creating unintentional harm; and--perhaps--for not being able to completely forgive someone else, just yet, though I'm working on it. I have to tame the inner critic and let go of the conflict, the subject of this Ki Moments post from 2009.

It all comes back to one of my favorite quotes from the founder of Aikido, Morihei Ueshiba:

Opponents confront us continually, but actually there is no opponent there.

And one of my own:

You have more power than you think. When you change, everything changes.

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How the worst moments in our lives make us who we are